Inspiration: It's all around us

So I have been feeling pretty down lately and allowing myself to fall back into that easy trap of feeling sorry for myself.  I mean, why get out and do something good for myself when I can sit at home eating junk food and crying in front of my tv, right?  I was just sitting and wallowing in my self-pity, but then something inside of me was like, WTF Carrie?  I realized that if I  need inspiration to get my butt in gear and do something with my life, all I need to do is look around.  There are so many inspiring things all around me that I take for granted every day.  Just this morning I saw a double rainbow while I was driving in to work.  It was so beautiful and majestic.  I didn't want to take my eyes off of it (which isn't very good since I was driving lol), but the feeling of happiness that came over me when I saw it was just too good to pass up.  I started to think about the other good things that have happened recently to give me inspiration.
To start things off, my sister Rhonda recently discovered that she was gluten intolerant.  After years of suffering from what she thought was sensitive skin and lactose intolerance, she discovered that it was actually gluten that was the root of all her problems.  She had to make some pretty hefty food changes but she is now heathier and happier than she has been in a really long time.  I am so happy for her.  How inspiring is that??
Another inspiring aspect to my life are all the fresh new babies that are coming in.  My best friend Amy had a handsome baby boy last month, my cousin Nicole just had a beautiful baby boy 2 weeks ago and my niece Chantel is over due with her little boy whom she will have any day now!  Not to mention my other best friend Gina is due with her little girl next month and my other niece Crystal will be having her (hopefully girl) baby next October.  That is babies coming out the wazoo!!  If that can't provide me with some joy and inspiration then I don't know what can!
To keep with the baby theme, a friend of mine just recently found out that she will be picking up her adorable little baby girl from Ethiopia this May.  Her adoption process has been long and full of tears but it is finally coming to an end.  When she told me that she would be going to pick up her baby, I cried tears of joy.  The feeling I had in that moment was so overwhelming.  I cried the whole way home.  Her joy is contagious and it is a great reminder that life, although sometimes hard and painful, can also be so breathtakingly beautiful.
Now I need to take the steps to change my life. I just re-joined a gym.  That is my first step.  Now all I need to do is harness some of this inspiration and take the first steps towards changing my own life.  When I feel like I want to give up I will simply look around me.  The inspiration I need is all around me and maybe my actions will be the inspiration in someone else's day.  Peace :D

Apartment woes bringing me down

Wow how things have changed since my last blog posting.  I was finally able to move after being delayed by my landlord for 5 days.  She wanted to make sure the place was clean and all the repairs were made and the previous tenant wasn't going to leave until May 1st.  I thought this was really considerate of her and so I agreed to wait the extra days to move in.  I should have seen that small gesture for what it really was...a bad omen.  I was so happy that I decided to not see the negative in things anymore and because of this I was blindsided.  I finally moved in and began to prepare to start my new job.  My landlord's father assured me that he would be returning that first week to finish making the repairs to my apartment because they had not been completed during those 5 extra days that they took.  After moving in I discovered that they actually hadn't made any repairs and from what I can tell the place was never cleaned either.  That's fine.  I really liked this apartment so I was willing to overlook these minor details.  And besides, her father assured me he would be back to fix everything.  He told me that there was a new battery in the smoke detector and all was good.  The first night I was there I was kept up all night by a beeping smoke detector which signaled a dead battery.  Once again I should have seen this as a bad omen.  I mean, why go out of your way to tell me that there was a new battery in the detector when you know damn well it is an old battery??  I went out the next day and bought a new battery and thought that my problems were solved.  Not more than 4 days after I moved in to the apartment my landlord texted me to tell me that "due to circumstances she was going to have to put the house up for sale".  As if she has just discovered this fact.  There was a for sale sign on the lawn before the day was over.  I call bullshit.  She knew before she rented me the apartment that she was going to sell the house.  I feel so betrayed.  Of course the father has not been back to make any repairs because, why bother right? 
So I started my new job 5 days after I moved in and it was really brutal.  I was so depressed with the new sleeping arrangements and I convinced myself that I hated my new job.  I was thinking about how I could quit and still survive.  I was told by many people to stick it out and it would get better.  I was pissed at all of them because how the hell do they know it will get better?  They were all right.  My job is amazing.  I love everything about it.  I am used to sleeping during the day now and I love my students.  But I still have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach...what could this be?  It is this apartment dragging me down.  I am trapped.  The realtor calls me at all times during the day even after being told multiple times that I work nights and need to sleep.  My landlord gave him my phone number without my permission and doesn't seem to care that he calls me whenever he feels like it.  He says he will send people during the times I am up and I waited up for them to arrive only to go to bed pissed off an hour and a half later than I should have when they didn't show up.  I am at my wits end. I am stressed to the max and I just want to be free of this place.  I was so excited to move into this place because I thought this apartment was killer but now I just hate it.  What is a girl supposed to do??

Finding Happy-ness...it's easier than I thought

Coming off of last week's high from losing 3lbs I discovered something new and extraordinary about myself.  I was feeling happy again.  It has been a long time since I felt actually happy.  It's strange because you tell yourself you are happy all the time, but these are just words.  The feeling is so much more than that.  For a very long time I have been very unhappy.  I have let myself go to a place that I never want to go to again.  I have felt things about myself that no person should ever feel about themselves, and it nearly killed me.  I want to be honest with all of you because I think that only through honesty can you be truly free.  I have been as low as one person can be.  It wasn't until a little while ago when I found myself researching suicide on the internet, that I realized that I was at rock bottom.  The web page I was on told me to call someone, and call them now.  It said that I was worth the phone call to save my life.  I realized in that moment that there was nobody I wanted to call because I didn't want anyone to know how low I felt.  What I couldn't see was that I needed for others to see how low I was so that they could help me climb back up.  So I started this blog and began a journey of self-discovery that has taken me on some crazy emotional rides.  This week I saw a change in myself and I realized I felt different.  I couldn't place this feeling because it had been so long since I had felt that way.  What was I feeling?  Happy.  Just happy. 
Now I don't want to assume that this happy feeling is going to last forever, however I know something now that I didn't know on that horrible night I spent on the internet researching my demise.  I know that my happiness does not depend on other people's happiness.  That might sound selfish to some of you.  To those people I say "too bad".  I have spent my whole life pleasing others and trying to make sure that the people around me were happy, only to lose myself in the shuffle.  I have come to a place in my life where I need to wade through the forest and bypass the trees.  That doesn't mean I don't love all the amazing people in my life.  What it means is that I will now be an amazing person in their lives.  I asked myself some tough questions and when I answered them truthfully I found that a lot of the "ideals" I was holding on to were actually holding me back from being truly happy.  I always thought that I needed to "grow up" and get married and have babies in order to be a functioning member of society.  The lack of these "ideals" made me feel like less of a person.  So I asked myself if that is what I truly want and the answer shocked me.  I realized that at this point in my life I don't want those things.  I may want them again in the future, but right now I am so happy being me.  I realized that I like being a beautiful, single woman that only has to answer to myself. I realized that I enjoy the freedom of doing what I want, when I want.  I realized that I only need me to make me happy.  Letting go of those ideals was like unchaining myself from a giant boulder that has been holding me back.  Suddenly I felt light as air.  I can breathe again.  I am laughing again for no reason other than I like to laugh.  You guys, I found my funny again!  I also found myself a new apartment that I am so excited to move into.  Yes it will be hard for a struggling teacher to pay the rent and bills, but that isn't going to stop me.  I have a new job that I am really excited to begin.  Yes it will be hard to adjust to midnight shifts and working from home, but that isn't going to stop me.  I have a new found love for myself.  Yes it will be hard to shed weight and keep myself in line, but that isn't going to stop me.  I have found my Happy-ness and NOTHING is going to stop me.

Minor Success is Encouraging

Hey all,
So I know its been awhile since I last posted in my blog but I have been a busy girl!  I have been working on my weight loss challenge and I am proud to say that I lost 3lbs this week.  A small success it is but it is very encouraging for me.  I have also been job hunting and have gotten a teaching gig online.  This will require me to be up all night because of the time difference for where I will be teaching so I have been trying to sleep train myself to stay up all night and sleep during the day.  This has been a bit of a challenge to combine with the weight loss goals because when you change your sleeping habits you also change your eating habits.  I have found that I do not eat as much as I should which I think is going to come back to bite me soon.  I am going to have to figure out how to fix this so that I am eating properly even though my breakfast is usually whatever my sister and brother-in-law are having for supper lol.
I have also ventured out to get myself a new apartment so that I can be more independent again.  I think its time that I get myself a big girl apartment and I have found the perfect place.  I now need to make sure that I don't lose this apartment so I need to come up with first and last months rent.  If anyone wants to help me I am accepting donations!  I'm kidding (unless you want to lol). I will keep you posted as to my success (since I will not accept failure on this venture).  My goal this week is to try and get more exercise in because I have not been exercising enough in my weight loss journey.  I welcome any advice for exercise that you might have to share.  Give me your opinions people!

Stress Eating

To begin this week I want to ask each of you a question.  What do you do to relieve stress?  This week was particularly stressful for me and I am not afraid to admit that I am a stress eater.  The result?  Well I just came from my weekly weigh in and I have gained 2 pounds.  This in turn will cause me stress which will cause me to stress eat.  It is a viscous cycle.  There has to be a reason I sabotage myself this way.  The only reason that comes to my mind is success.  I think that in order to BE successful you need to FEEL successful.  For me, feeling successful can come in the smallest ways.  I set  "mini goals" for myself each week that have nothing to do with food but can help me to feel successful.  This way I am more inclined to want to feel successful in other ways as well.  Lately I have been feeling very unsuccessful in my professional life and this has led to many unwanted pounds.  I am at a loss as to what to do.  This past week I have really thought about my life.  I am 32 years old and I can't even afford to live on my own anymore.  I have not had a teaching contract in 2 years now and that has forced me to move in with my sister and brother in law just to survive.  This hasn't been easy on them either, which causes me more stress because I can see what a burden I am in their lives.  I know what you are thinking...pity party.  I agree.  I hate feeling sorry for myself and it feels like I am doing that all the time now.  I feel guilty for feeling bad especially when I see that there are others who have it harder than me.  I want to feel happy and fulfilled and be satisfied with what I have.  I just can't seem to make myself do this.  My mini goal this week is to find something that makes me happy each day and celebrate it.  I know that I am the only one who can change my circumstances so I need to go out and change them.  I can't let myself feel trapped in this life.  I have to achieve greatness on my terms.  The first step for me is getting out of the call center.  Teaching job or not, I need to get out of the environment that broke me in the first place.  I vowed I would never go back to a call center and yet here I am in one again.  It is sucking the life force out of me.  I firmly believe that in order to succeed in my weight loss I will need to find another job.  And so the hunt begins.  Until next time....

The First Step is Admitting you Have a Problem

They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem.  Well here goes...I have a problem.  I am a compulsive eater.  I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad.  I eat when I am stressed and I eat when I need comfort.  For many years food has been the only thing I have been able to control about my life.  And now it has taken control OF my life.  I am out of control.  I have sat back and watched as a few people in my life have spun out of control from substance abuse.  I have driven them to AA meetings and told them how proud I was of them when they were trying to beat their addiction, while all the while I was silently judging them in my head.  I didn't believe that they would change.  I thought that they were wasting everyone's time.  But who am I to judge when I have an addiction of my own?  Food is my addiction and despite my judgements of my family members who are actually trying to beat their problems, I have done absolutely nothing about mine.  I am the waste of time.  
This stops now.  I have to make this change for me.  I am losing the war with depression and I know that my weight has a lot to do with that.  I have even lost my position as an ESL teacher and I believe whole-heartedly that it has to do with my weight as well.  I need to get my life back. I need to get myself back.  I am going to start attending OA meetings and I am making this effort to change for ME.  I don't need encouragement.  I don't need pity.  I don't need words of advice or wisdom.  I don't even care if you silently judge me in your head.  Let's face it...there is a very real chance I will fail at this.  But if I do fail please know that that means I will die and very soon.  This is my last chance.  I am going to blog about my experience here and if you decide you want to make comments then please do.  I welcome your thoughts on the things I will post.  Anyone who knows me knows that I enjoy a healthy debate so feel free to challenge my views.  I think that sharing my struggles in public is the only way that I am going to be able to make the changes I need to make.  I promise to try to not post stupid cliches or fake cheerfullness.  This blog will be a real testament to the struggle I am going through.  I am going to be brutally honest and at times this might seem vulgar.  I apologize if you don't like this, but then you don't need to read my blog do you? 
Well folks...here goes.  "Today is the first day of the rest of my life..." (come on..nobody wants to call me out on that stupid cliche?)