Stress Eating

To begin this week I want to ask each of you a question.  What do you do to relieve stress?  This week was particularly stressful for me and I am not afraid to admit that I am a stress eater.  The result?  Well I just came from my weekly weigh in and I have gained 2 pounds.  This in turn will cause me stress which will cause me to stress eat.  It is a viscous cycle.  There has to be a reason I sabotage myself this way.  The only reason that comes to my mind is success.  I think that in order to BE successful you need to FEEL successful.  For me, feeling successful can come in the smallest ways.  I set  "mini goals" for myself each week that have nothing to do with food but can help me to feel successful.  This way I am more inclined to want to feel successful in other ways as well.  Lately I have been feeling very unsuccessful in my professional life and this has led to many unwanted pounds.  I am at a loss as to what to do.  This past week I have really thought about my life.  I am 32 years old and I can't even afford to live on my own anymore.  I have not had a teaching contract in 2 years now and that has forced me to move in with my sister and brother in law just to survive.  This hasn't been easy on them either, which causes me more stress because I can see what a burden I am in their lives.  I know what you are thinking...pity party.  I agree.  I hate feeling sorry for myself and it feels like I am doing that all the time now.  I feel guilty for feeling bad especially when I see that there are others who have it harder than me.  I want to feel happy and fulfilled and be satisfied with what I have.  I just can't seem to make myself do this.  My mini goal this week is to find something that makes me happy each day and celebrate it.  I know that I am the only one who can change my circumstances so I need to go out and change them.  I can't let myself feel trapped in this life.  I have to achieve greatness on my terms.  The first step for me is getting out of the call center.  Teaching job or not, I need to get out of the environment that broke me in the first place.  I vowed I would never go back to a call center and yet here I am in one again.  It is sucking the life force out of me.  I firmly believe that in order to succeed in my weight loss I will need to find another job.  And so the hunt begins.  Until next time....

The First Step is Admitting you Have a Problem

They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem.  Well here goes...I have a problem.  I am a compulsive eater.  I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad.  I eat when I am stressed and I eat when I need comfort.  For many years food has been the only thing I have been able to control about my life.  And now it has taken control OF my life.  I am out of control.  I have sat back and watched as a few people in my life have spun out of control from substance abuse.  I have driven them to AA meetings and told them how proud I was of them when they were trying to beat their addiction, while all the while I was silently judging them in my head.  I didn't believe that they would change.  I thought that they were wasting everyone's time.  But who am I to judge when I have an addiction of my own?  Food is my addiction and despite my judgements of my family members who are actually trying to beat their problems, I have done absolutely nothing about mine.  I am the waste of time.  
This stops now.  I have to make this change for me.  I am losing the war with depression and I know that my weight has a lot to do with that.  I have even lost my position as an ESL teacher and I believe whole-heartedly that it has to do with my weight as well.  I need to get my life back. I need to get myself back.  I am going to start attending OA meetings and I am making this effort to change for ME.  I don't need encouragement.  I don't need pity.  I don't need words of advice or wisdom.  I don't even care if you silently judge me in your head.  Let's face it...there is a very real chance I will fail at this.  But if I do fail please know that that means I will die and very soon.  This is my last chance.  I am going to blog about my experience here and if you decide you want to make comments then please do.  I welcome your thoughts on the things I will post.  Anyone who knows me knows that I enjoy a healthy debate so feel free to challenge my views.  I think that sharing my struggles in public is the only way that I am going to be able to make the changes I need to make.  I promise to try to not post stupid cliches or fake cheerfullness.  This blog will be a real testament to the struggle I am going through.  I am going to be brutally honest and at times this might seem vulgar.  I apologize if you don't like this, but then you don't need to read my blog do you? 
Well folks...here goes.  "Today is the first day of the rest of my life..." (come on..nobody wants to call me out on that stupid cliche?)