Finding Happy-ness...it's easier than I thought

Coming off of last week's high from losing 3lbs I discovered something new and extraordinary about myself.  I was feeling happy again.  It has been a long time since I felt actually happy.  It's strange because you tell yourself you are happy all the time, but these are just words.  The feeling is so much more than that.  For a very long time I have been very unhappy.  I have let myself go to a place that I never want to go to again.  I have felt things about myself that no person should ever feel about themselves, and it nearly killed me.  I want to be honest with all of you because I think that only through honesty can you be truly free.  I have been as low as one person can be.  It wasn't until a little while ago when I found myself researching suicide on the internet, that I realized that I was at rock bottom.  The web page I was on told me to call someone, and call them now.  It said that I was worth the phone call to save my life.  I realized in that moment that there was nobody I wanted to call because I didn't want anyone to know how low I felt.  What I couldn't see was that I needed for others to see how low I was so that they could help me climb back up.  So I started this blog and began a journey of self-discovery that has taken me on some crazy emotional rides.  This week I saw a change in myself and I realized I felt different.  I couldn't place this feeling because it had been so long since I had felt that way.  What was I feeling?  Happy.  Just happy. 
Now I don't want to assume that this happy feeling is going to last forever, however I know something now that I didn't know on that horrible night I spent on the internet researching my demise.  I know that my happiness does not depend on other people's happiness.  That might sound selfish to some of you.  To those people I say "too bad".  I have spent my whole life pleasing others and trying to make sure that the people around me were happy, only to lose myself in the shuffle.  I have come to a place in my life where I need to wade through the forest and bypass the trees.  That doesn't mean I don't love all the amazing people in my life.  What it means is that I will now be an amazing person in their lives.  I asked myself some tough questions and when I answered them truthfully I found that a lot of the "ideals" I was holding on to were actually holding me back from being truly happy.  I always thought that I needed to "grow up" and get married and have babies in order to be a functioning member of society.  The lack of these "ideals" made me feel like less of a person.  So I asked myself if that is what I truly want and the answer shocked me.  I realized that at this point in my life I don't want those things.  I may want them again in the future, but right now I am so happy being me.  I realized that I like being a beautiful, single woman that only has to answer to myself. I realized that I enjoy the freedom of doing what I want, when I want.  I realized that I only need me to make me happy.  Letting go of those ideals was like unchaining myself from a giant boulder that has been holding me back.  Suddenly I felt light as air.  I can breathe again.  I am laughing again for no reason other than I like to laugh.  You guys, I found my funny again!  I also found myself a new apartment that I am so excited to move into.  Yes it will be hard for a struggling teacher to pay the rent and bills, but that isn't going to stop me.  I have a new job that I am really excited to begin.  Yes it will be hard to adjust to midnight shifts and working from home, but that isn't going to stop me.  I have a new found love for myself.  Yes it will be hard to shed weight and keep myself in line, but that isn't going to stop me.  I have found my Happy-ness and NOTHING is going to stop me.

Minor Success is Encouraging

Hey all,
So I know its been awhile since I last posted in my blog but I have been a busy girl!  I have been working on my weight loss challenge and I am proud to say that I lost 3lbs this week.  A small success it is but it is very encouraging for me.  I have also been job hunting and have gotten a teaching gig online.  This will require me to be up all night because of the time difference for where I will be teaching so I have been trying to sleep train myself to stay up all night and sleep during the day.  This has been a bit of a challenge to combine with the weight loss goals because when you change your sleeping habits you also change your eating habits.  I have found that I do not eat as much as I should which I think is going to come back to bite me soon.  I am going to have to figure out how to fix this so that I am eating properly even though my breakfast is usually whatever my sister and brother-in-law are having for supper lol.
I have also ventured out to get myself a new apartment so that I can be more independent again.  I think its time that I get myself a big girl apartment and I have found the perfect place.  I now need to make sure that I don't lose this apartment so I need to come up with first and last months rent.  If anyone wants to help me I am accepting donations!  I'm kidding (unless you want to lol). I will keep you posted as to my success (since I will not accept failure on this venture).  My goal this week is to try and get more exercise in because I have not been exercising enough in my weight loss journey.  I welcome any advice for exercise that you might have to share.  Give me your opinions people!