Finding Happy-ness...it's easier than I thought

Coming off of last week's high from losing 3lbs I discovered something new and extraordinary about myself.  I was feeling happy again.  It has been a long time since I felt actually happy.  It's strange because you tell yourself you are happy all the time, but these are just words.  The feeling is so much more than that.  For a very long time I have been very unhappy.  I have let myself go to a place that I never want to go to again.  I have felt things about myself that no person should ever feel about themselves, and it nearly killed me.  I want to be honest with all of you because I think that only through honesty can you be truly free.  I have been as low as one person can be.  It wasn't until a little while ago when I found myself researching suicide on the internet, that I realized that I was at rock bottom.  The web page I was on told me to call someone, and call them now.  It said that I was worth the phone call to save my life.  I realized in that moment that there was nobody I wanted to call because I didn't want anyone to know how low I felt.  What I couldn't see was that I needed for others to see how low I was so that they could help me climb back up.  So I started this blog and began a journey of self-discovery that has taken me on some crazy emotional rides.  This week I saw a change in myself and I realized I felt different.  I couldn't place this feeling because it had been so long since I had felt that way.  What was I feeling?  Happy.  Just happy. 
Now I don't want to assume that this happy feeling is going to last forever, however I know something now that I didn't know on that horrible night I spent on the internet researching my demise.  I know that my happiness does not depend on other people's happiness.  That might sound selfish to some of you.  To those people I say "too bad".  I have spent my whole life pleasing others and trying to make sure that the people around me were happy, only to lose myself in the shuffle.  I have come to a place in my life where I need to wade through the forest and bypass the trees.  That doesn't mean I don't love all the amazing people in my life.  What it means is that I will now be an amazing person in their lives.  I asked myself some tough questions and when I answered them truthfully I found that a lot of the "ideals" I was holding on to were actually holding me back from being truly happy.  I always thought that I needed to "grow up" and get married and have babies in order to be a functioning member of society.  The lack of these "ideals" made me feel like less of a person.  So I asked myself if that is what I truly want and the answer shocked me.  I realized that at this point in my life I don't want those things.  I may want them again in the future, but right now I am so happy being me.  I realized that I like being a beautiful, single woman that only has to answer to myself. I realized that I enjoy the freedom of doing what I want, when I want.  I realized that I only need me to make me happy.  Letting go of those ideals was like unchaining myself from a giant boulder that has been holding me back.  Suddenly I felt light as air.  I can breathe again.  I am laughing again for no reason other than I like to laugh.  You guys, I found my funny again!  I also found myself a new apartment that I am so excited to move into.  Yes it will be hard for a struggling teacher to pay the rent and bills, but that isn't going to stop me.  I have a new job that I am really excited to begin.  Yes it will be hard to adjust to midnight shifts and working from home, but that isn't going to stop me.  I have a new found love for myself.  Yes it will be hard to shed weight and keep myself in line, but that isn't going to stop me.  I have found my Happy-ness and NOTHING is going to stop me.

Minor Success is Encouraging

Hey all,
So I know its been awhile since I last posted in my blog but I have been a busy girl!  I have been working on my weight loss challenge and I am proud to say that I lost 3lbs this week.  A small success it is but it is very encouraging for me.  I have also been job hunting and have gotten a teaching gig online.  This will require me to be up all night because of the time difference for where I will be teaching so I have been trying to sleep train myself to stay up all night and sleep during the day.  This has been a bit of a challenge to combine with the weight loss goals because when you change your sleeping habits you also change your eating habits.  I have found that I do not eat as much as I should which I think is going to come back to bite me soon.  I am going to have to figure out how to fix this so that I am eating properly even though my breakfast is usually whatever my sister and brother-in-law are having for supper lol.
I have also ventured out to get myself a new apartment so that I can be more independent again.  I think its time that I get myself a big girl apartment and I have found the perfect place.  I now need to make sure that I don't lose this apartment so I need to come up with first and last months rent.  If anyone wants to help me I am accepting donations!  I'm kidding (unless you want to lol). I will keep you posted as to my success (since I will not accept failure on this venture).  My goal this week is to try and get more exercise in because I have not been exercising enough in my weight loss journey.  I welcome any advice for exercise that you might have to share.  Give me your opinions people!

Stress Eating

To begin this week I want to ask each of you a question.  What do you do to relieve stress?  This week was particularly stressful for me and I am not afraid to admit that I am a stress eater.  The result?  Well I just came from my weekly weigh in and I have gained 2 pounds.  This in turn will cause me stress which will cause me to stress eat.  It is a viscous cycle.  There has to be a reason I sabotage myself this way.  The only reason that comes to my mind is success.  I think that in order to BE successful you need to FEEL successful.  For me, feeling successful can come in the smallest ways.  I set  "mini goals" for myself each week that have nothing to do with food but can help me to feel successful.  This way I am more inclined to want to feel successful in other ways as well.  Lately I have been feeling very unsuccessful in my professional life and this has led to many unwanted pounds.  I am at a loss as to what to do.  This past week I have really thought about my life.  I am 32 years old and I can't even afford to live on my own anymore.  I have not had a teaching contract in 2 years now and that has forced me to move in with my sister and brother in law just to survive.  This hasn't been easy on them either, which causes me more stress because I can see what a burden I am in their lives.  I know what you are thinking...pity party.  I agree.  I hate feeling sorry for myself and it feels like I am doing that all the time now.  I feel guilty for feeling bad especially when I see that there are others who have it harder than me.  I want to feel happy and fulfilled and be satisfied with what I have.  I just can't seem to make myself do this.  My mini goal this week is to find something that makes me happy each day and celebrate it.  I know that I am the only one who can change my circumstances so I need to go out and change them.  I can't let myself feel trapped in this life.  I have to achieve greatness on my terms.  The first step for me is getting out of the call center.  Teaching job or not, I need to get out of the environment that broke me in the first place.  I vowed I would never go back to a call center and yet here I am in one again.  It is sucking the life force out of me.  I firmly believe that in order to succeed in my weight loss I will need to find another job.  And so the hunt begins.  Until next time....

The First Step is Admitting you Have a Problem

They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem.  Well here goes...I have a problem.  I am a compulsive eater.  I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad.  I eat when I am stressed and I eat when I need comfort.  For many years food has been the only thing I have been able to control about my life.  And now it has taken control OF my life.  I am out of control.  I have sat back and watched as a few people in my life have spun out of control from substance abuse.  I have driven them to AA meetings and told them how proud I was of them when they were trying to beat their addiction, while all the while I was silently judging them in my head.  I didn't believe that they would change.  I thought that they were wasting everyone's time.  But who am I to judge when I have an addiction of my own?  Food is my addiction and despite my judgements of my family members who are actually trying to beat their problems, I have done absolutely nothing about mine.  I am the waste of time.  
This stops now.  I have to make this change for me.  I am losing the war with depression and I know that my weight has a lot to do with that.  I have even lost my position as an ESL teacher and I believe whole-heartedly that it has to do with my weight as well.  I need to get my life back. I need to get myself back.  I am going to start attending OA meetings and I am making this effort to change for ME.  I don't need encouragement.  I don't need pity.  I don't need words of advice or wisdom.  I don't even care if you silently judge me in your head.  Let's face it...there is a very real chance I will fail at this.  But if I do fail please know that that means I will die and very soon.  This is my last chance.  I am going to blog about my experience here and if you decide you want to make comments then please do.  I welcome your thoughts on the things I will post.  Anyone who knows me knows that I enjoy a healthy debate so feel free to challenge my views.  I think that sharing my struggles in public is the only way that I am going to be able to make the changes I need to make.  I promise to try to not post stupid cliches or fake cheerfullness.  This blog will be a real testament to the struggle I am going through.  I am going to be brutally honest and at times this might seem vulgar.  I apologize if you don't like this, but then you don't need to read my blog do you? 
Well folks...here goes.  "Today is the first day of the rest of my life..." (come on..nobody wants to call me out on that stupid cliche?)